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Toilet Attack

At the weekend I decided it was time to get to the bottom of Japanese culture, and headed to Toto's main showroom in Shinjuku to check out the home of the electric toilet. Toto are one of the country's main kitchen and bathroom manufacturers and their showroom and sales office is on the 35th and 36th floors of a skyscraper looking out across Tokyo. It was mainly full of young, childless (as seems to be the norm in Japan) couples, discussing the merits of the massive kitchen sinks and small, space-saving baths on display, but my interest was on the upper floor where some of the most advanced toilets in the world lay waiting to be explored.

Many of them I'd had the pleasure of using already, however, I particularly liked the mp3 playing model with a wireless LCD control console for all of it's features and optional plug-on speakers. Another toilet had a 'flush sound' button which, when pressed, played a recording of a flush to protect your modesty. I began to think seriously about buying one, with prices from around £150 and the entire mechanism built into the toilet lid, most could be retro-fitted to normal toilets and would surely make a huge improvement to my quality of life given the amount of time I spend in the bathroom. I somehow resisted though, and headed for the aptly named, Trylet Zone.

This was my big chance to actively participate with any Toto toilet of my choice. The problem was that I didn't really feel the need, but of course I resolved to do my best or else I would have just appeared rude. I chose the most advanced model I could find, with an entire armful of buttons and control knobs, and as I sat down the heated seat kicked into action. With so many controls, however, there was no room for the explanatory graphics that I had become used to; instead there were only Japanese characters, so I decided to play around and try to figure it out. After a couple of button presses I found an interesting looking one and hit it. A pressurised jet of heated water shot out, hit me in the balls, causing me instinctively to jump up! Such was the force that it sprayed my legs then flew across the cubicle, and pissed water all over my jacket hanging on the back of the door whilst I tried frantically to shut it off!

It was certainly time to leave the showroom. I tried to attract as little attention as possible as I sneaked out but several people noticed the trail of water behind me and were obviously wondering how I managed to get myself soaking wet.

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